The following is a list of colorful characters that tend to populate the struggle for disability benefits. Join me as we explore the range of this All-American ensemble.
Irene McFoodstamp – She’s a graduate of the school of HAWD knocks, and has PhD in government assistance programs. Ever since baby daddy number 5 left her for another woman with an Xbox 360, she’s been on the lookout for as much government aid as possible. For some, child support payments (all be they delinquent), section-8, food stamps, Welfare, Medicaid, Child Health Insurance, federal prescription drug assistance, and heating assistance would be enough, but why stop there? Ms. McFoodstamp (Always Ms. never married) figured out a while ago if you hold your child back a couple of grades the govmentwill give you money just because your kid is stupid. Back in the day ADHD was cured by giving the kid less candy and a quick smack across the face for not doing their homework. Why do that when they can drink all the Fanta and Redbull they want and just take a pill AND GET PAID FOR IT! Ruining a kid’s life is a small price to pay for an extra 300 bucks a month, but hey they weren’t doing that well in school to begin with anyways right?
Reggie Ray Hickass – This guy (or girl sometimes) is a big fan of low taxes, the Confederacy and his raised Ford F1-SmallCock. The only thing he hates more than minorities, is public assistance…accept for when he can collect it. Which is why after a bet that involved a rabid gerbil, a dirt bike, a ramp and an ounce of heroin, this gem of the American south now has 3-4 blown disks in his back and wants uncle Sam to foot the bill for his Hep-C treatment. So in between getting questions about his age and condition you have to endure how much he loves Hanna Montana and racists rants about how the only people on government aid are those damn lazy Mexicans. After all his new meth addiction and gun rack aren’t going to pay for themselves.
Sharron Entitledman – What do you do, if you’ve generally failed at life and realize this by 40? Take a long vacation on Uncle Sugar’s dime. Sharron embodies what happens to the woman who is both too dumb and too ugly to make it on her own. At 5’5” and 290lbs nearly all of her disabilities are totally not her fault but rather due to lifelong abuse of her favorite antidepressant FROSTING. Sharron’s only friends are the 12 cats she lives with and a vibrator modeled after Tommy Lee’s manhood (big back in the 90s). For the last 20 years, she may have driven a truck, fork lift or some other job that didn’t require a lot of exertion, and yet still managed to lose all the cartilage in her knees by 39 which was ONLY due to years of hard work and has nothing to do with the fact that a 300lbs frame is like sandpaper on your joints. Now she’s laid off for trying to sexually harass her male supervisor, and looking to eat out the rest of her days drinking mountain dew and getting occasional pity sex from her neighbor on SSI in the next trailer. You are key to her happy future.
Sue E. Sidey – Isn’t life just so hard? Did your cousin once touch you at a family reunion in your naughty area and you just have never been able to recover from PTSD? Well move over Iraq war vet, we have a new contender for government assistance with mental disabilities. No longer do you have to actually watch your friend die to collect on anxiety and depression, your dream life of subsistence welfare is only a quack Psychiatrist away. Sue is all of 22 years and already willing to throw in the towel for everything. When asked the question “will you never be able to work, any job, ever, at all for you entire life” she happily replies that her social anxiety and oppositional defiance disorder prevents her from going to Wal-Mart let alone holding a job. All Sue has ever done in life is fail, whether trying to kill herself or filing for disability she just can’t seem to get it right. Generally I’m not a fan of giving up on a human, but hey god makes mistakes too, accepting that will shorten everyone’s pain.
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